so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
