so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
