I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Send help, water and tortillas.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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