Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
