dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
