cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
