my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
