I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
