I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
