I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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