New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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