My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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