hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
