You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I did not marry a roomba.
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