I wannas sexs uuuuu
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
