woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
