i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
