In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
