great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
