loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize