If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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