FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
