Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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