everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
