dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
