Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
