i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm always down for nudity.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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