I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
