May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
