Cold hands, warm shart.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
