Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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