Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
