Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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