Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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