Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
