WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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