o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
