Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
