I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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