Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
