Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
