The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am spending my child support on dildos
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
