Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
