Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So apparently I’m into choking now
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