Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
