i think my tv is drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
