At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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