How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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