Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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