I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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