Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
