Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
