I'm sorry my penis didn't work
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
