mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
