My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
