I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
