She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
