maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She needs sedatives and a leash
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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