i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
