drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
