Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
