they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
ttyl tear gas
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
