I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Less talking, more tequila
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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