Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
