why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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