i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
