We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
