I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
